“You’re too kind. No, really.”

As a woman, being on the receiving end of praise or encouragement is difficult.

Based on the discussion I had with three very dear sisters recently, I’m not alone.  The hardest part about accepting a compliment or being grateful for encouragement is the barrier we place between ourselves and those offering it.  What is it that prevents us from taking those encouraging statements to heart?  Negative comments and criticisms are always in ready supply from people around us, and we never seem to have trouble believing that they’re true.  I have noticed many times that even a perception of criticism will haunt me until I can find out if it is valid.  Do these jeans really look that bad on me?  Was that person offended by something I did?  These things are instantly given credence.

But what happens when we receive praise?  “Wow – you did a really great job on that poster!”  “Your hair looks so nice today.”  “I appreciate your hard work!”  We usually offer in return some comment about how we didn’t really do that well, or we just threw it up in a pony tail.  In our minds, we don’t really feel that we deserve to receive those comments, nor do we believe they are true.  After all, with so many flaws, why would someone want to make me feel special?  Didn’t they notice my imperfections?  I certainly did!

The conclusion of our discussion was that when someone offers praise or encouragement, our reaction needs to be a blessing in return: gratitude.  To say, “Thank you!  I really appreciate that,” is encouragement in itself – our gift to the giver.  We know that anytime we offer praise or encouragement to others, it is heart-felt (at least it should be)! Our desire is to lift them up.  When we give of our time to make another feel special, or take special notice of something they’ve accomplished, our desire is not to make them feel less worthy!  Yet when others do the same for us, we have that suspicious attitude that says, “you probably don’t mean it; you’re just trying to make me feel better.”

The challenge: Look through the eyes of the one who praises you.  What do they really see?  Why did they praise you?  I practiced this very thing this morning to see if it works.  And it did.  When I woke up this morning, instead of taking the usual doleful look in the mirror, I bound up the stairs and greeted my husband with an “I know you think I’m beautiful!” smile and a “Good morning!” The first thing he told me is that I’m a beautiful girl.  The result: For the first time in a long time, I believed him.  Encouragement is something to be grateful for – God knows that we need it and it’s time we allowed it to nourish us and build up our confidence.  Face it, girls, God has given us a lot to offer!  It’s time that we praise God for what He’s given us instead of being ashamed of who we are.  Remember what it is that God values and use your talents without apologizing!  And practice these words: “Thank you.”

“Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.  Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.”  ~Proverbs 31:30-31.

Paul’s Relationship Quiz – “How Unified Are You?”

The book of Philippians speaks so strongly on one of the top 5 things that I struggle with in my efforts to be God’s woman. Unity. As a teenager I used to think that whomever I married when I grew up was in for a life of misery.  We would never get along. My siblings and I certainly never seemed to.  If I couldn’t get along with my brothers and sister, how was I ever going to have the proper relationship with the guy who would become my roommate and closest companion? Even best friends have issues when they’ve spent one too many nights sleeping over at each others’ houses.

Thankfully, my relationships with my siblings have vastly improved as we’ve grown older, and my fears for my marriage… they’ve proved useful. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I have knock-down drag-outs with my husband or anything. But the fear of the possibility of any disunity motivated me to get a few things straight before I entered that covenant relationship. I encourage every girl to pass up the heartache of learning these things the hard way. If you want your relationship with your mate, your siblings, with friends, and even with strangers to be uplifting, spiritual healthy and not full of worldly discord, know that it’s up to you to make it happen!  The apostle Paul wrote a letter to two women in the church who were having some serious issues acting like the sisters-in-Christ that they were. Compare these with your own attitude toward others: how unified are you?

#1 – Imitate Me (Paul). Consider others as more important than yourselves. “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain…yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.” (1:21, 24) Paul wanted to go to heaven, but for their sake, he lived the life that he did. For whom do you live, and why?

2 – Imitate Christ. Remember that “although He existed in the form of God,” (2:6) He didn’t selfishly treat that glory like something to clutch to His chest, grasping, never letting go of it. He emptied Himself, becoming a man and dying the most undignified, horrible death for us. What do you have a hard time letting go of because of pride – and does it compare with Christ’s sacrifice of heaven when He came to Earth?

#3 – Imitate Timothy. Be genuinely concerned for the welfare of others.

#4 – Imitate Epaphroditus. “He came close to death for the work of Christ, risking his life to complete what was deficient in your service to me.” Do you serve others to such a degree? Is it important enough to you to minister to another’s need at any cost?

The two women in Philippi needed a reality check: What was more important? Their egos, or the cause of Christ? If you are concerned about your relationships, take Paul’s Reality Check quiz, and find out how you can more closely align your attitude with these four unequaled examples. Fear is a good motivator, and knowledge with determination is the key to successfully overcoming those fears. Let’s go girls.

May God bless your relationships. Amen.

An Excellent Wife, Who Can Become?

  An excellent wife, who can find?
         For her worth is far above jewels. 
    The heart of her husband trusts in her,
         And he will have no lack of gain. 
    She does him good and not evil
         All the days of her life. — Proverbs 31:10-12

Has anyone else wondered how on earth we even start aspiring to be this woman?  And why should we even try?  Of course there are benefits to having such character, but how do we get there?  Is it worth the effort?

Our introduction to this woman is what really stands out to me.  In the verses to follow, we learn that our leading lady is proactive in providing for her family, generous to the poor, and hard-working in order to contribute to the household in goods and income.  And what does all of this mean to her husband?

HIS HEART TRUSTS IN HER. 

“No lack of gain” could mean many things, but judging from the rest of this biography it has to do with handling material things, the care of their children, her self-esteem and her regard for him. 

She is not being idle or consuming without contributing.  He can trust her to do whatever she wishes with her material goods, because she is discerning and prudent.  Their children are diligently cared for, and she has worked hard to provide for them and to prepare for the future.  She takes care of herself, having strengthened her arms and made her own clothing.  His own reputation in public circles benefits from her efforts.  Wow.  This is a woman on a mission!

SHE DOES HIM GOOD, NOT EVIL – ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE. 

This is probably the most powerful statement in this biography.  Women today as a group have the reputation of being manipulative, self-seeking — some even domineering and argumentative.    But, in a stark contrast, what does this woman accomplish?  EVERY DAY she does her husband good and not evil.  She is actively seeking to cause him gain and good, to manage his household well, and to clothe herself with strength and dignity.  This is definitely a woman worth more than jewels. 

SUCH A WOMAN, WHO CAN FIND?

In the end, to be an excellent wife, is impossible without 2 things: fear of the Lord and a husband.  We already talked last time about how to catch one of those – one that would truly appreciate this kind of woman.  To fear the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (Proverbs 1:7), and it is also the only thing that would motivate someone to work that hard  to be a blessing to their spouse.  Her reward?  Blessings money could never  buy and no shopping trip could compare with.  The ability to smile at the future.  Children who rise up and call her blessed.  And the praise of her husband:

Many daughters have done nobly,
         But you excel them all.”

This could be your future.  Does it sound worth it?  Go for it… make it happen!

How to catch a White Knight

Several years ago, a young man in his late teens posed the question to a group of both guys and girls, saying, “Why is it that Christian girls say they want a good Christian guy, but they go for the fixer-up-er?”  Being a very outspoken 10-year-old, I gave him my two cents on the subject.  I had watched enough chick-flicks to see a pattern. 

“It’s because we want to feel that we are special enough to make him want to become better than he is,” I replied. 

We would never admit that we want to be the reason for a guy to change; he should want to change for God, not for us, and we know that.  But there’s always the secret hope that their feelings for us are so strong that they would do exactly what Landon did in A Walk to Remember. 

What would happen if our wish came true?  Ladies, I don’t know how many of you have had this mentality – I venture to say we all have at some point.  It’s what whispers in our ear that if we wear our close a little tighter, shorter or lower, we will capture the attention of that bad boy that would probably come to Christ if he knew what a great catch we are inside.  Does that seem a little ironic to anyone else?  This temptation is nothing new – it’s just more romanticized these days.  Our girlish hearts fantasize about meeting our own Landon; he’ll be rough and course at first, but he will become tender and even godly once he discovers that that is what he must do in order to catch us.  I, however, would like to suggest a different tactic.

Who remembers the woman from Proverbs 31?  Does this seem unattainable to anyone else?  That woman is a hard-worker!  She’s amazing!  Take some time and thoroughly read that section, and here is my dare: make it your mission to become that woman.  Will you ever attain such character?  More importantly, who will notice that you are seriously striving for it?  Certainly the God who inspired those verses will.  But who else?  Reason would have it that the young men who avert their eyes from skin-tight pants and low cut tops will be the silent observers of your efforts.  Will they awkwardly take notice of you and shyly try to catch your eye?  Maybe.  Will they in turn be working as hard as they can to build their own character to be worthy of you?  The strong ones will.  I guarantee it.  And, really, isn’t that what we actually want?  My challenge: if a godly man is what you seek, become the woman such a man would seek himself.  And make it your mission to do it out of love for the God who set up such a brilliant system of match-making: life and godliness.  Go get ‘em, tiger.